I’m in a really weird, spiritual place right now. Most people say they’re in the “desert” when they’re angry at God or feel far from God. Quite the contrary for me…I feel spiritually overwhelmed. I’m unsure of what direction to take because I have such high demands going on at the same damn time! Here are some of the things that are constantly knocking at my door:
New church or nah? I don’t know how to make this decision. I know that the church I was previously at, which I left about 5 months ago, was draining me spiritually. It was literally a chore just to get up and go there because I felt obligated. While I would sit in service, I would think about all the other things I could be doing and then become distracted by Twitter. I left my “Sunday School Religion” a long time ago and that was all I heard from the pastor after a while. I just didn’t agree with him theologically which made it even more of a burden to go to church. That is not spiritual nor is it helping me connect to God on a deeper level. Honestly, I haven’t found a local church to replace it so I’ve been watching my former church home in ATL online (I really miss that church). Most of these churches….annoy me with hypocrisy and shallowness. Perhaps it’s the area I live…who knows. Now I’m just waiting for God to get me out of this desert…not very patiently either.
This blog venture. I have tons of ideas and many things I know that I should be doing, but i have little time or resources to do it and build it. Basically, I’m burnt out. And this little project couldn’t have been birthed at a worse time. I need about 3 other ME’s like that movie “Duplicity”. Do you know how much work I would get done? I would be the ME on vacation :). It pains me to not be able to take the time to do it correctly and make the connections I want to make. I’m juggling so many balls (pause?) that I know soon one is going to drop. I can’t afford for any to drop. I have no way to make a choice. I just don’t. Fortunately spring break is in two weeks and I plan on some great R&R.
Heartstrings. I’m actually feeling great in this area, I just don’t have the time. As evidenced by points 1 and B. When I think about doing something nice or sending a thoughtful message, I remember the 187438379 other things I have to do and fall asleep. Yes, people make time for what they want to make time for…but I’m selfish and it’s not enough time for me. I’m an everyday, all day kinda love girl…unrealistic? Maybe, but I need that and right now I’m finding it really difficult to make that compromise. Is this what the rest of life will look like? *gazes out the window* It sounds like more work…
Work. I’m employed. My responsibility is continuously increasing. Nuff said.
See, these aren’t bad things. They are in fact blessings…good problems. But I don’t know what to do so I end up surfing Netflix and watching DVR repeats to occupy my spinning mind. I’m making chaos where there is none…I know. I function best when there is chaos…Lord help me. I WANNA BE FREE!! Ohio Players said it best…now get me out of this stupid desert!